A person of conscience

There's a blast from the past. A phrase I used to hear in my youth - grown-up talk, as it were, used for serious discussions. It was the hallmark of a serious discussion. I heard it tonight. On television. During the coverage about the execution of Troy Davis.

Dr. Allan Ault, retired Director of the Georgia Department of Corrections and a former warden charged with overseeing executions. Dr. Ault referenced the rehearsing of the execution - the premeditation of killing someone - and how, the state sanctioned pre-meditated murder of a convicted person condemned to death - reduces those prison officials to acts that can only be against the conscience. Dr. Ault said they are "bothered" by it the rest of their lives. Dr. Ault called the governor of my state a psychopath - certainly not by name - but by word and deed - he has presided over the largest number of executions by one governor in this country and by his words at the recent debate where he made the claim that signing the execution orders for so many people "didn't bother him at all". He also talked about the murdered victim's family and how, after an execution, they realize it brought them no closure, no sense of justice.

I used to think there were certain people who "needed killing". Those people that society was better off without - the Ted Bundy's, child rapists and murderers, people who tortured and killed for pleasure. I told myself that society was better off with them dead and not worrying about them escaping or getting out. Of course, I wanted strong evidence of their guilt - DNA, video, undisputed and unambiguous proof of their guilt. However, there were things about these people actually being executed that were problematic for me too.

One problem is the revenge angle. If you murder to avenge a murder it is revenge. There is no escape from that. Another problem is that after they are executed, there is nothing more. No more opportunity to discover where bodies are located as in Ted Bundy's case. No more opportunity to glean information regarding accomplices, motives, and mechanics of the crime. It also cuts drastically the time the murderer has to realize the enormity of the crime, and, maybe, to repent of it. Executions also cheapen life. How can anyone revere life and believe in the death penalty?

Here in Texas, it is widely believed, an innocent young father was wrongly executed for killing his children. Cameron Todd Willingham had been awakened by his 2 year old and the house was full of smoke and flames. He told her to go outside and tried to get to the babies' room but was unable to reach it. Later, he was arrested and charged with his daughters' deaths - the state charged he had murdered his 2 year old and twin 1 year old children by arson two days before Christmas. An expert panel, the Texas Forensic Science Panel, was to investigate the "science" Willingham was convicted on but Rick Perry replaced members of the panel and their meeting looking into this case was cancelled due to Rick Perry's replacement members. Fire investigator Dr. Gerald Hurstor stated unequivocally there was no arson. In fact, he investigated another conviction for arson murder in the case of another death row inmate, Ernest Wills. Dr. Hurstor said the two cases were identical with only the names being different. In the Wills case, the prosecutor had Ernest Wills released! But Willingham was executed. The case can be read about in the New Yorker 2009 article Did Texas Execute An Innocent Man?

Tonight, Texas executed Laurence Russell Brewer for the dragging death of Mr. James Byrd. Laurence Brewer confessed to his part in beating and dragging Mr. Byrd. Laurence Brewer was a member of a white supremacist group, a splinter faction of the KKK, called the Confederate Knights of America and wanted to start a race war. Certainly a heinous crime. There is no doubt of Laurence Brewer's part in the crime since he has readily confessed and has never recanted that confession. Yet, the Byrd family teaches us something - "You can't fight murder with murder. Life in prison would have been fine. I know he can't hurt my daddy anymore. I wish the state would take in mind that this [execution] isn't what we want." , the statement Ross Byrd, Mr. Byrd's 32 year old son made to Reuters yesterday.

This past June, another group of young white haters, decided to beat and rob a black man, James Craig Anderson. One of those young people, 19 year old Deryl Dedmon, is waiting to find out if he will face the death penalty. Mr. Anderson's family though, has made their own position clear. Mr. Anderson's sister, Barbara Young, wrote to the Hinds County DA Robert Smith and told him her family (her mother and two brothers) do not want anyone to face the death penalty. She cited her family's Christian beliefs and their opposition to capital punishment. "Those responsible for James' death not only ended the life of a talented and wonderful man...They have also caused our family unspeakable pain and grief. But our loss will not be lessened by the state taking the life of another." "We also oppose the death penalty because it historically has been used in Mississippi and the South primarily against people of color for killing whites. Executing James' killers will not help balance the scales. But sparing them may help to spark a dialogue that one day will lead to the elimination of capital punishment."

As a person of conscience, I can in no instance, support capital punishment - the death penalty - any longer.

New Leaf.

Haha. With all my "new leafs" I could've built a heck of a tree! I certainly didn't post very often this past year. I'm going to try and make up for that. I have some things I want to say (okay, those of you that know me, stop rolling your eyes).

I have some stories to tell. I have some rants I want to make. As usual, I'll have my ideas about how things should be done. There are some people who should be told off, and I'm gonna do the telling. So, pull up a chair. I'm gonna be here.

Thoughts on parenting

The hard part of parenting isn't staying up all night with a newborn or a sick child. While dealing with teenagers may be hard, it certainly isn't the hardest part of being a parent. The most difficult part of parenting is finishing the job on yourself - parenting yourself into the person your children need you to be. Suppressing your own scared and wimpy inner child to be the superhero for your children.

Static and Snow?

Why do I make the choices I make? Am I moving forward? any? Or, am I bouncing off one thing onto another? Does the tapestry of my life make any sense? Is there any common thread or, are they all, long and short, thick and thin, fluffy and stringy, bright and dull, bits and pieces of differing types of attractiveness threaded throughout the moments of my life? If I stand back and view the whole does it make any sense? Do I make any sense?

Do I possess any pattern of traits of character or goodness within me that are mine alone? Or, are they copies I found along the way, picked up and carried for a time, only to forget or discard when something else attracted me or what I have seems too much trouble to keep up with? Am I only bits and pieces of borrowed-and-in-the-moment found?

Is there some thing within me I have carried all my life? Sadness? Loneliness? Fear? Rockheadedness. Those things have always been there - what about the good? I've gone long periods of time without happiness, joy, thoughtfulness, generosity, kindness, love. Ah, the want. That has always been there too. Am I a negative person who is too lazy to cultivate good traits and a positive attitude and needs to constantly seek out and reinforce positive traits and attitude? Or am I just a lazy positive person, too lazy to carry through too very much?

Am I a damaged child, a willful and rebellious teenager, or just a spoiled and lazy adult?

Where am I going? Or am I standing still? I used to know that I could fly -- can I still? Is it possible? Feasible? Likely?

Does my life make sense? Will it ever make sense to me? Will the picture only emerge after some distance from this life is obtained?

Custom job

If I were building me, to my own personal specifications, what would I put together? If I were to put that custom me, into a custom made life, what would that life be? Can I picture the me I would want to be? Is it something I can define, describe? If a picture is worth a thousand words, is it an abstract drawing or a realistic hi-def hi-res photo? How well do I know myself? How much of me to I like? How much of me is just existing because I never put something purposeful there? Does the me in my head, match the me in my life? Is it even a reasonable facsimile? Or just a joke I play on myself? Are my ideals and beliefs solid enough to be put to practice, or, are they empty cliches and recited slogans of ideals with no practical application? Do I have a life, or an existence? Shouldn't I have a rather complex structure of me already existing by this time? Why is so much of what I perceive to be a life's ambition, waiting for something else to happen before I can start having it? Do I define myself or do I look for others to define me? Is my life purposeful? Now?

If I wanted to design myself, I would start with designing the type of person I would want to be. I would be active, helpful, purpose driven and useful. I would be a liberal like Christ -- generous and of service to others -- and always treating other people just like I would want them to treat me. I'd like to have a wide circle of friends and a good social life. I want to spend quality time with my loving husband and be good and loving company and fun company for him in our daily life. I want to be my husband's help mate in all things. I want to travel. I want to experience new adventures.

I am definitely not active, nor, am I particularly helpful, only occasionally purpose driven and not too useful. Looks like I need to fix some things? I am sometimes grudgingly generous and of no service to any one. Ugh. I don't have very many friends and I don't have a social life at all!

Well, I know there are things I don't want to be too. I don't want to be obsessed with things, don't care about acquiring except for things that make our life enjoyable. I don't want to be mean spirited, petty, judgmental, nosy, gossipy, unkind, dishonest, hurtful, or selfish. Ooh, I don't want to be lazy either.

I guess if I were to be a digital hi-res photo, the picture would be very blurry and the colors would be all wrong.

I've always been an open book

So it really beats the life out of me why anyone would want me to post 100 Things about me. But Amity asked me some time ago to do it and then, this year she asked me to do the 25 or 45 or whatever list it was and now...Lauren has messed things up and done hers, so...

#1. I've never liked my name. I don't know what name I would've liked for me, but I've never liked the one I got. I do like my children's names, but then, I picked them, so that would figure.

#2. I am married to a kind, considerate, giving and loving man. Except for my children, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

#3. I am pretty sure that only one other man in my life loved me with such unconditional love and that was my paternal grandfather who died when I was seven, in a car wreck. I still miss him.

#4. I do not have any good memories of my childhood; every one of them involves fear and hurt.
Figuring out how to handle the fear and hurt has been my life's most difficult task.

#5. I raised four children in total fear. I was so scared all the time, I think I even scared them. It is amazing to me that we all survived. I think my kids are surprised too.

#6. I have spent a great deal of time worrying over "right" - doing it the right way, being right, getting it right...it made me tend towards perfectionism which I now know is a total waste of energy and effort. Perfection has a place and it is not an every day occurrence-- in fact, monthly may be too much.

#7. I had no childhood friends. Not one. I only socialized with other children at school and even that was minimal. It wasn't until I was 16 that I ever saw anyone outside of school and that was on a date! Lord, and that was with a guy whose parents hated me! Not being very astute, and really really wanting to get out of the house, I dated him all the way through high school!

#8. I don't think I have a favorite color -- I love all the jewel colors and I love matte glass and I love fresh colors for walls and I love blues in the garden. Color is a big motivator for me. I think Jack's eyes are the prettiest blue.

#9. I'm all about politics. Every thing in my life is political. Every thing.

#10. I used to love to read. When I was young, it allowed me to hide in relative safety while escaping to a different life altogether. I read everything in our school library. I read just about every day of my life until I was about 40. I almost never read now; I think it is because it now makes me feel trapped.

#11. I really like to socialize, to talk, to eat and drink and be merry. Sometimes, I'm pretty good at it. Other times, not so much.

#12. I love, love, love to dance. Country western most of all - the Two Step or the Western Swing or the Waltz.

#13. When I was younger, I argued a lot. (That need to be right thing.) Also, I thought it was important to stand your ground. Why? I don't remember. Probably had something to do with not being walked over.

#14. When I am a normal weight, I am a little bit of a clothes horse and definitely a shoe horse!

#15. I like to cook, but, sometimes, I just can't seem to get it together and I mess it all up. But lots of times, usually those times when no one is here to see it except Jack, it comes out PDG!

#16. When I grew up, I never heard a curse word. Never. The closest was my Father saying, "what in the Sam Hill...?"

#17. I use curse words all the time. Well, lots of times. What is weird is that I can go a long time without saying one (okay, driving doesn't count-- and there are long periods of time when I don't drive!) and then, I will go years saying them all over the place. I guess my rebellious teenager that didn't dare appear when I was one, is, even now, with me.

#18. I was 22 years old before I ever heard my Mother say "damn" and saw her drink an alcoholic beverage. Well, actually, I didn't see her drink the alcohol, I just had to unlock the door for her when she came home loaded and couldn't open the door! She had only had one drink! Must've been a doozy!

#19. I had three younger brothers. One is dead and I'm not on speaking terms with one and I've lost touch with the youngest. Lots of times, I think of Mannuel. He was damaged but he was my brother and I miss him. I also miss my youngest brother, Leslie.

#20. I wish I had paid more attention to my grandparents. Although my paternal grandmother was a difficult person to get close to, I miss her a lot since I've gotten older. I'd really like to have a long conversation with her now. I didn't know my maternal grandparents very well but I do miss them, especially my grandmother. She was such a sweet, generous and loving woman.

#21. I like to clean. It is hard for me to put clutter up, especially if it doesn't have any type of permanent home. But I really like to clean and have the house looking and smelling clean. I don't do it as often as I used to.

#22. My current hobby interest is off loom bead weaving jewelry. I like the colors, the sparkle and the creative part of making up designs. I'm still new to it but I'm learning all the time.

#23. I like to travel. I've wanted to have a tour of Europe since I was a young girl reading romantic stories of people on their European tour...The greatest distance I have been outside of the US is St. John, VI, which I would love to go and visit for 3 months of every year. I have traveled in Mexico and like Mexico too, but Europe is what I'd really like to see. To spend a year there, even working a little here and there would be fantastic.

#24. I have wanted to live in a house with a swimming pool my entire life and now, I live in one. When Jack and I buy a house, I want to buy a house with a pool. I love the water. All of my children are water babies too.

#25. If I ever win the lottery, I would buy a place in SPI. Jack and I met there, the younger kids went to high school there, my eldest was married there, my Mother lived there for many years...it would be nice to be able to go down and stay for a couple of weeks/months each year.

#26. I like to organize stuff. I used to keep all my books in alpha order. Most of the time, if my stuff is disorganized it is because I am depressed and feeling overwhelmed.

#27. I used to be a list maker and a calendar keeper. Everything was written on the calendar - it became almost a diary. I would make lists of my lists. I finally realized I was using making lists as an avoidance of doing, so I stopped making them.

#28. I make my bed every day. Usually, as soon as I get out of the bed, I make it up. I have always loved my bed made and my room picked up but I don't think I ever made my bed until we moved to SPI. Before that, it was either left unmade or it was made by the housekeeper.

#29. I hate, hate, hate coming home to a messy house. Especially dirty dishes! No way Jose! I don't mind washing dishes and think washing dishes by hand is far faster and easier. But I really procrastinate when it comes to putting up the clean dishes. It is not a task I like at all.

#30. Although I've spent most of my life pretty much by myself and not ever having a social life, I do like being social and having parties. I'm not very good at it and I don't ever know enough people to have a big party, so most of my socializing is with my children and their families, especially when they all come at the same time.

#31. I was brought up in the Southern Baptist church. We were at the church whenever the doors were open. I haven't attended church with any regularity since then, except for a short 2 year stint as a Methodist. Spurgeon Dunnam Jr. was our pastor there and I saw his obituary just last month.

#32. While I never attend church, I consider myself a very religious person. I do not believe that religious faith should be any one else's business. I cannot understand how any intelligent thinking person cannot see and know immediately that we, and our world, are created. I consider not being able to make my children see this my greatest failing.

#33. I adamantly believe you should mind your own business. I have always made it a point not to notice what other people are doing (and it was a strong part of my training as a child). My children took great advantage of this when they recognized it which, fortunately, was not too very often.

#34. I always strongly believed that it was my duty to protect my children from any type of mistreatment from others. My children did not always appreciate what I was doing though. One particular incident at Astroworld still gets talked about sometimes. None of my kids liked me going to their school to speak to their teachers.

#35. I was never the parent I wanted to be, except for a very short time, and I was never the parent my children deserved. When I look back I wonder what was I thinking? My only saving grace is that I truly did the best I knew how. And all my children turned out really well adjusted and great people in spite of me.

#36. I love music. My paternal grandmother used to take me to the Chronicle Dollar concerts sometimes. I love Janis Joplin's singing, Joe Cocker, Leon Russell, Dwight Yoakum, Garth Brooks. I love Blind Willie, Ella Fitzgerald, James Taylor...I guess I just like it all.

#37. I took 4 piano lessons from Henry Mancini's best friend, Pete something...we were always really late to the lessons and I spent most of the time being embarrassed but I sure loved those lessons. The man told my mother that if it wasn't important enough to be on time, it probably wasn't worth her paying for the lessons. We never went back.

#38. I like the internet. I like the information, I like the ability to find information on any topic at any time. I do read a great deal of stuff on the internet. I prefer email to phone.

#39. I've always thought of myself as very patient and a pretty calm person. I can see now where that is probably not an accurate assessment. I am patient dependent on my mood and the circumstances. I am calm in the same way. I scare easily and tend to hide lots of times. Jack says he knows if he comes home and can't find me to look under the bed and in the closet.

#40. For all of my introspection, I still think there is a right way and a wrong way to doing lots and lots of things.

#41. I don't like waste. I hate to throw away good useable stuff. Most of my life, I needed to be creative to get stuff I wanted and so I tend to hang on to too much. When I get rid of stuff, there always seems to be a reason I should have kept it; the chandelier in Amity's living room comes to mind.

#42. It might be that being creative was an outlet rather than just a means to get something I wanted, I'm not sure. It is a chicken/egg thing with me.

#43. I have never had a purse habit. I used to like purses and wallets and matching/putting them together with a briefcase and thinking someday, I'll get these. I was not allowed to carry a purse while I was growing up and now, I can't imagine why anyone would carry one. What a burden!

#44. I like to work. I like legal work. Maybe I like arguments?

#45. My biggest personal achievement was quitting smoking. I still can't believe I'm a nonsmoker. I'm very grateful that I am.

#46. I can't figure out why I won't lose the weight I need to lose and it depresses me.

#47. I always knew that my parents were not perfect; it took me far too long to allow that of them. Somehow I believed my parents should have been better than they were; I don't know if my expectations were because of them or were because of me.

#48. When I'm nervous/embarrassed/shy I talk way too much.

#49. I have never possessed the privacy gene nor the diplomacy gene.

#50. I really don't like to hurt people's feelings but I tend, too often, to fight back if I feel someone has hurt mine or someone I care about. I've always thought it wrong not to speak up when you see wrong being done.

#51. One of my most valued goals was that my children would be a family, no matter what. That they would always be able to overlook each other's imperfections and love and value their sibling unconditionally and teach their children likewise. I am always encouraged and proud when I see signs that my children will fulfill this goal for me.

#52. I'm proud of the fact that I raised my children without lying to them. Without honesty in every thing we say and do, to others, to ourselves, there is no reality, no starting point, no floor to stand on.

#53. I wish I were more generous. I like to give but often find myself being selfish in small and meaningless ways.

#54. I have lots of ideas of projects I'd like to do but never get started on them. Mostly because I prefer an unstarted project to a half-finished one.

#55. I definitely am a person who, when I have tons of things to get done, functions far better than when I only have one project to be done. The busier I am, the more I can get accomplished.

Carrots and Sticks

The old man who came to live/visit his daughter across the street this past summer caught my eye almost immediately. He is a very short Hispanic man. He is always impeccably dressed in beautiful, classic clothing. Very tailored and well fitted suits or tailored western shirts and slacks. He is always wearing a hat, mostly a cowboy hat, although he has worn a beret a few times too. He must be in his eighties, maybe even older. He walks with a cane. What made me notice him though was his gait. The Tim Conway shuffle would be giant-step race walking compared to his steps. When he first arrived, he would come out, fully dressed and stand in the front yard for several minutes - sometimes as long as half an hour. And then, he would begin to walk. Down the driveway, to the sidewalk to the far side of the next door neighbor's, then back to his daughter's house. It would take him a very long time -- as long as an hour. That is what caught my eye. I couldn't figure out if he were simply very bored and merely taking his time or what. I was amazed that anyone could take such tiny, tiny steps. Not steps really. Just a small movement of each foot only an inch or even less, each time.

Several days last summer, when I happened to be in the front part of the house when he was out walking, I paused in my own activities to marvel at how slow he could move. My next door neighbor, a woman in her nineties who most often uses a wheel chair for her own mobility, even remarked on his movements to me. She told me he had just been released from the hospital; that his daughter had gone to the Valley and brought him to live with her. That he was miserable and she doubted he would stay.

Well, he has stayed. It has been at least six months and he is still here. Several times as I have been entering or leaving the neighborhood in my car, I have seen him out. In fact, a few times I have waved "hello" to him and he has even waved back. While I was preparing for Thanksgiving I saw him out. Something about seeing him was different, but I was very busy and distracted and pushed it out of my mind. While I was decorating the Christmas tree and the front of the house, I again saw him several times. Again, there was something I needed to notice, but, once again, I pushed it from me.

Then, a couple of days ago, while taking down the tree, it struck me. I was in the living room for several hours, removing ornaments from the tree. When I first began my project, I saw the old man out, walking down the sidewalk. He was wearing a beautiful cream colored western cut suit with his cream colored western hat. He was using his cream colored cane, walking slowly down the sidewalk. I began thinking of how, as a society, we have changed so much in our dress and attitude towards dressing in the last forty to fifty years. When I began removing my wreath from the front door, I noticed the old man entering his daughter's house. Then, several hours later, while I was bringing various decorations to the dining room from other parts of the house, I saw the old man out walking again. This time, he was walking from my side of the street across and back to his side of the street. Then, while preparing dinner, I saw him out once again; walking up the sidewalk. Wait. He is walking up the sidewalk. The opposite direction. The direction that ends at the top of a pretty short but steep climb. Hey! Come to think of it, this afternoon, he was crossing the street in front of my house. That means he was walking up the street, crossing over to my side, and then walking to the end on my side and walking up his own side, back to his daughter's house! Wait! According to walkjogrun, that is a .37 mile walk! And, he is walking it three times a day! There's more. His gait is vastly different! He is taking actual steps. Very short steps, but steps nonetheless.

I should be ashamed of myself. This old, old man who has been very ill, has made great progress while I have, literally, sat on my butt. I still have good health. Yet, I am destroying it. A blasphemy to the good health with which my life has been blessed. If I truly believe that life is scared, shouldn't I being living proof that it is by taking care of myself? By taking care of this wonderful body I have inherited?

Don't I have the where-with-all to accomplish any goal I set in this area? Haven't I been given the mind plus all the working parts to get it done? Haven't I instead, used procrastination, laziness, instant gratification and denial as adolescent, even childish tools against my own self? How smart is that?

New try, old habits

Gonna try again, once more, to get it right. One thing for sure, the falling off the wagon and the failing part I've got down pat! Mother used to say, "it's easy -- just don't do it again"! Of course, she was talking about quitting smoking. Not that she ever smoked. Nor did she ever get fat. Have to admit though -- she was right about the quitting smoking. Turned out that after smoking cigarettes for 34 years - all I really had to do to quit, was stop putting one in my mouth! Made me mad she was right, too!

Sometimes I wonder why it works that way -- why is it that when I'm the Mother, it should always be unquestioned that I am right and know what I'm talking about! It was only when she was Mother, that I took it that, naturally, she was wrong.

Maybe it is hereditary? Sometimes, my children seem to suffer from the same delusions.

Although I spent a great deal of money and time looking for the right solution to stop smoking, one that would lessen my urges, one that would help me forget my love affair and dependence on nicotine, it is clear now that I wasted a great many years trying to avoid the quitting part. I allowed myself to get wrapped up and sidetracked into trying to make it easier to quit. I know now, I should've just quit.

My failures to lose this weight, are, I believe, very similar. I've wasted a great deal of time and money on joining gyms and websites, hiring personal trainers, buying diet books, buying pedometers, weight scales, heart monitors, shoes, exercise clothes, exercise music, exercise dvds, tapes, and special foods, snacks, supplements, and vitamins instead of only focusing on getting rid of the weight! If I want to lose the weight, I need to work and keep my focus on losing weight, not focus on things to help me make it easier to lose or track my weight. Duh!

To that end, I will need to keep myself accountable for what I do eat day to lose weight -- limit my caloric intake in a verifiable way (weigh my food and enter it into fitday) -- increase my movement and caloric expenditures in a verifiable way (clock all of my daily exercise and enter it into fitday). I will monitor my progress by weekly weigh-ins.

No more spitting into my hand and wishing...