I've always been an open book

So it really beats the life out of me why anyone would want me to post 100 Things about me. But Amity asked me some time ago to do it and then, this year she asked me to do the 25 or 45 or whatever list it was and now...Lauren has messed things up and done hers, so...

#1. I've never liked my name. I don't know what name I would've liked for me, but I've never liked the one I got. I do like my children's names, but then, I picked them, so that would figure.

#2. I am married to a kind, considerate, giving and loving man. Except for my children, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

#3. I am pretty sure that only one other man in my life loved me with such unconditional love and that was my paternal grandfather who died when I was seven, in a car wreck. I still miss him.

#4. I do not have any good memories of my childhood; every one of them involves fear and hurt.
Figuring out how to handle the fear and hurt has been my life's most difficult task.

#5. I raised four children in total fear. I was so scared all the time, I think I even scared them. It is amazing to me that we all survived. I think my kids are surprised too.

#6. I have spent a great deal of time worrying over "right" - doing it the right way, being right, getting it right...it made me tend towards perfectionism which I now know is a total waste of energy and effort. Perfection has a place and it is not an every day occurrence-- in fact, monthly may be too much.

#7. I had no childhood friends. Not one. I only socialized with other children at school and even that was minimal. It wasn't until I was 16 that I ever saw anyone outside of school and that was on a date! Lord, and that was with a guy whose parents hated me! Not being very astute, and really really wanting to get out of the house, I dated him all the way through high school!

#8. I don't think I have a favorite color -- I love all the jewel colors and I love matte glass and I love fresh colors for walls and I love blues in the garden. Color is a big motivator for me. I think Jack's eyes are the prettiest blue.

#9. I'm all about politics. Every thing in my life is political. Every thing.

#10. I used to love to read. When I was young, it allowed me to hide in relative safety while escaping to a different life altogether. I read everything in our school library. I read just about every day of my life until I was about 40. I almost never read now; I think it is because it now makes me feel trapped.

#11. I really like to socialize, to talk, to eat and drink and be merry. Sometimes, I'm pretty good at it. Other times, not so much.

#12. I love, love, love to dance. Country western most of all - the Two Step or the Western Swing or the Waltz.

#13. When I was younger, I argued a lot. (That need to be right thing.) Also, I thought it was important to stand your ground. Why? I don't remember. Probably had something to do with not being walked over.

#14. When I am a normal weight, I am a little bit of a clothes horse and definitely a shoe horse!

#15. I like to cook, but, sometimes, I just can't seem to get it together and I mess it all up. But lots of times, usually those times when no one is here to see it except Jack, it comes out PDG!

#16. When I grew up, I never heard a curse word. Never. The closest was my Father saying, "what in the Sam Hill...?"

#17. I use curse words all the time. Well, lots of times. What is weird is that I can go a long time without saying one (okay, driving doesn't count-- and there are long periods of time when I don't drive!) and then, I will go years saying them all over the place. I guess my rebellious teenager that didn't dare appear when I was one, is, even now, with me.

#18. I was 22 years old before I ever heard my Mother say "damn" and saw her drink an alcoholic beverage. Well, actually, I didn't see her drink the alcohol, I just had to unlock the door for her when she came home loaded and couldn't open the door! She had only had one drink! Must've been a doozy!

#19. I had three younger brothers. One is dead and I'm not on speaking terms with one and I've lost touch with the youngest. Lots of times, I think of Mannuel. He was damaged but he was my brother and I miss him. I also miss my youngest brother, Leslie.

#20. I wish I had paid more attention to my grandparents. Although my paternal grandmother was a difficult person to get close to, I miss her a lot since I've gotten older. I'd really like to have a long conversation with her now. I didn't know my maternal grandparents very well but I do miss them, especially my grandmother. She was such a sweet, generous and loving woman.

#21. I like to clean. It is hard for me to put clutter up, especially if it doesn't have any type of permanent home. But I really like to clean and have the house looking and smelling clean. I don't do it as often as I used to.

#22. My current hobby interest is off loom bead weaving jewelry. I like the colors, the sparkle and the creative part of making up designs. I'm still new to it but I'm learning all the time.

#23. I like to travel. I've wanted to have a tour of Europe since I was a young girl reading romantic stories of people on their European tour...The greatest distance I have been outside of the US is St. John, VI, which I would love to go and visit for 3 months of every year. I have traveled in Mexico and like Mexico too, but Europe is what I'd really like to see. To spend a year there, even working a little here and there would be fantastic.

#24. I have wanted to live in a house with a swimming pool my entire life and now, I live in one. When Jack and I buy a house, I want to buy a house with a pool. I love the water. All of my children are water babies too.

#25. If I ever win the lottery, I would buy a place in SPI. Jack and I met there, the younger kids went to high school there, my eldest was married there, my Mother lived there for many years...it would be nice to be able to go down and stay for a couple of weeks/months each year.

#26. I like to organize stuff. I used to keep all my books in alpha order. Most of the time, if my stuff is disorganized it is because I am depressed and feeling overwhelmed.

#27. I used to be a list maker and a calendar keeper. Everything was written on the calendar - it became almost a diary. I would make lists of my lists. I finally realized I was using making lists as an avoidance of doing, so I stopped making them.

#28. I make my bed every day. Usually, as soon as I get out of the bed, I make it up. I have always loved my bed made and my room picked up but I don't think I ever made my bed until we moved to SPI. Before that, it was either left unmade or it was made by the housekeeper.

#29. I hate, hate, hate coming home to a messy house. Especially dirty dishes! No way Jose! I don't mind washing dishes and think washing dishes by hand is far faster and easier. But I really procrastinate when it comes to putting up the clean dishes. It is not a task I like at all.

#30. Although I've spent most of my life pretty much by myself and not ever having a social life, I do like being social and having parties. I'm not very good at it and I don't ever know enough people to have a big party, so most of my socializing is with my children and their families, especially when they all come at the same time.

#31. I was brought up in the Southern Baptist church. We were at the church whenever the doors were open. I haven't attended church with any regularity since then, except for a short 2 year stint as a Methodist. Spurgeon Dunnam Jr. was our pastor there and I saw his obituary just last month.

#32. While I never attend church, I consider myself a very religious person. I do not believe that religious faith should be any one else's business. I cannot understand how any intelligent thinking person cannot see and know immediately that we, and our world, are created. I consider not being able to make my children see this my greatest failing.

#33. I adamantly believe you should mind your own business. I have always made it a point not to notice what other people are doing (and it was a strong part of my training as a child). My children took great advantage of this when they recognized it which, fortunately, was not too very often.

#34. I always strongly believed that it was my duty to protect my children from any type of mistreatment from others. My children did not always appreciate what I was doing though. One particular incident at Astroworld still gets talked about sometimes. None of my kids liked me going to their school to speak to their teachers.

#35. I was never the parent I wanted to be, except for a very short time, and I was never the parent my children deserved. When I look back I wonder what was I thinking? My only saving grace is that I truly did the best I knew how. And all my children turned out really well adjusted and great people in spite of me.

#36. I love music. My paternal grandmother used to take me to the Chronicle Dollar concerts sometimes. I love Janis Joplin's singing, Joe Cocker, Leon Russell, Dwight Yoakum, Garth Brooks. I love Blind Willie, Ella Fitzgerald, James Taylor...I guess I just like it all.

#37. I took 4 piano lessons from Henry Mancini's best friend, Pete something...we were always really late to the lessons and I spent most of the time being embarrassed but I sure loved those lessons. The man told my mother that if it wasn't important enough to be on time, it probably wasn't worth her paying for the lessons. We never went back.

#38. I like the internet. I like the information, I like the ability to find information on any topic at any time. I do read a great deal of stuff on the internet. I prefer email to phone.

#39. I've always thought of myself as very patient and a pretty calm person. I can see now where that is probably not an accurate assessment. I am patient dependent on my mood and the circumstances. I am calm in the same way. I scare easily and tend to hide lots of times. Jack says he knows if he comes home and can't find me to look under the bed and in the closet.

#40. For all of my introspection, I still think there is a right way and a wrong way to doing lots and lots of things.

#41. I don't like waste. I hate to throw away good useable stuff. Most of my life, I needed to be creative to get stuff I wanted and so I tend to hang on to too much. When I get rid of stuff, there always seems to be a reason I should have kept it; the chandelier in Amity's living room comes to mind.

#42. It might be that being creative was an outlet rather than just a means to get something I wanted, I'm not sure. It is a chicken/egg thing with me.

#43. I have never had a purse habit. I used to like purses and wallets and matching/putting them together with a briefcase and thinking someday, I'll get these. I was not allowed to carry a purse while I was growing up and now, I can't imagine why anyone would carry one. What a burden!

#44. I like to work. I like legal work. Maybe I like arguments?

#45. My biggest personal achievement was quitting smoking. I still can't believe I'm a nonsmoker. I'm very grateful that I am.

#46. I can't figure out why I won't lose the weight I need to lose and it depresses me.

#47. I always knew that my parents were not perfect; it took me far too long to allow that of them. Somehow I believed my parents should have been better than they were; I don't know if my expectations were because of them or were because of me.

#48. When I'm nervous/embarrassed/shy I talk way too much.

#49. I have never possessed the privacy gene nor the diplomacy gene.

#50. I really don't like to hurt people's feelings but I tend, too often, to fight back if I feel someone has hurt mine or someone I care about. I've always thought it wrong not to speak up when you see wrong being done.

#51. One of my most valued goals was that my children would be a family, no matter what. That they would always be able to overlook each other's imperfections and love and value their sibling unconditionally and teach their children likewise. I am always encouraged and proud when I see signs that my children will fulfill this goal for me.

#52. I'm proud of the fact that I raised my children without lying to them. Without honesty in every thing we say and do, to others, to ourselves, there is no reality, no starting point, no floor to stand on.

#53. I wish I were more generous. I like to give but often find myself being selfish in small and meaningless ways.

#54. I have lots of ideas of projects I'd like to do but never get started on them. Mostly because I prefer an unstarted project to a half-finished one.

#55. I definitely am a person who, when I have tons of things to get done, functions far better than when I only have one project to be done. The busier I am, the more I can get accomplished.