Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Static and Snow?

Why do I make the choices I make? Am I moving forward? any? Or, am I bouncing off one thing onto another? Does the tapestry of my life make any sense? Is there any common thread or, are they all, long and short, thick and thin, fluffy and stringy, bright and dull, bits and pieces of differing types of attractiveness threaded throughout the moments of my life? If I stand back and view the whole does it make any sense? Do I make any sense?

Do I possess any pattern of traits of character or goodness within me that are mine alone? Or, are they copies I found along the way, picked up and carried for a time, only to forget or discard when something else attracted me or what I have seems too much trouble to keep up with? Am I only bits and pieces of borrowed-and-in-the-moment found?

Is there some thing within me I have carried all my life? Sadness? Loneliness? Fear? Rockheadedness. Those things have always been there - what about the good? I've gone long periods of time without happiness, joy, thoughtfulness, generosity, kindness, love. Ah, the want. That has always been there too. Am I a negative person who is too lazy to cultivate good traits and a positive attitude and needs to constantly seek out and reinforce positive traits and attitude? Or am I just a lazy positive person, too lazy to carry through too very much?

Am I a damaged child, a willful and rebellious teenager, or just a spoiled and lazy adult?

Where am I going? Or am I standing still? I used to know that I could fly -- can I still? Is it possible? Feasible? Likely?

Does my life make sense? Will it ever make sense to me? Will the picture only emerge after some distance from this life is obtained?